This Exercise was written by William Lederer, the author of The Ugly American, an M.D. born in China to missionary parents who was brought to the U.S. as an adult and who was astonished at some of the patterns of communication he learned. When I began using this exercise with couples, I realized that it would work just as well for improving the relationship of parents with their children. I strongly advise every parent to begin the exercise with your spouse and introduce the exercise to the children as a game. Children will want to make receiving and giving Red Beans as a punishment, you have to work very hard to make the giving of the beans a simple, non-verbal communication that goes along with "I like it when you". . . and "I don't like it when you" . . .

INTIMATE TIME - It doesn't matter if it is your spouse or your child with whom you are building communication; it is good to ritualize a time, every day, in which you have a strict rule: Alternate who starts and begin with saying "what I really liked about you today was .........." Then alternate so that everyone has a chance, and continue until it is hard to find something you liked about the others. This is not a time for telling what you didn't like. So work hard at "What I liked about you today was." Do this ritual every single day. Record what is said.

R. M. Dawes in his book, House of Cards, Free Press (1994) says that more than 1000 studies prove that communication of this nature, talking with relatives and friends, is equal to the power of psychotherapy - and when the relationship is a long one, the friendship of a layman is more powerful than the help of a professional. Dawes says that not one in more than 1000 studies goes the other way, so the science is strong!

So do the Red and White Bean Exercise. Your family will thrive - especially your ADD/ADHD youngster.

THE RED AND WHITE BEAN EXERCISE

You do many things you are not aware of. Everyone has these unconscious habits. You probably began each habits with a positive goal in sight; but your spouse reads the habit as negative. In the same way your spouse may intend some messages as positive but you interpret them as negative. You may even send some messages you intend to be negative but which are received as positive.

The Red and White Bean Exercise will help (1) make you aware of your unconscious actions and (2) assist you in reducing the number of actions your spouse interprets as negative while increasing the ones she or he interprets as positive.

Do not neglect to continue Intimate Time every day.

Get about twenty-five red beans and twenty-five white beans, (or twenty-five red and twenty-five white poker chips, or any small objects of two different colors).

Put the beans into a box. Next to this place two empty jars, one marked "Red Beans" and one marked "White Beans".

The Exercise

It will require about an hour to learn how to do this exercise. Once you know how to do it, continue practicing for the rest of the day. The exercise will not interfere with your normal routine, no matter where you are or what you are doing.

How to Do It

When your spouse behaves toward you in a way that you experience as pleasant or positive, inform your spouse that she or he has pleased you.

The way to inform him or her that your spouse has pleased you is by giving a white bean.

The pleasing behavior can be a smile, a supportive statement, a favor rendered, or any behavior which suggests, "I care for you" or "I respect you."

When you give a white bean to your spouse, you also must thank him or her for the specific behavior. For example:

"Mary, thanks for the wonderful game of tennis. I like it when you play tennis with me." "John, thanks for the flowers. I like it when you give me flowers." "Mary, that look you just gave me makes me feel wonderful. Thanks. I like it when you look at me like that." "John, thank you for cleaning up the garage. I like it when you do jobs like this."

On the other hand, when you experience an unpleasant or negative behavior from your spouse you also inform him or her of the fact--this time the red bean is given.

The unpleasant or negative action can be an unfriendly criticism, a smirk, sarcasm, an angry interruption, a promise not kept--any act which you perceive as meaning "I disapprove of you," "I don't like you," "I'm trying to annoy you," or "I don't respect you."

The person who received the red bean must thank the person giving the bean. After all the bean is given instead of a nasty comment, a frown, or some other negative comment - and most importantly it is given instead of ignoring the action and allow steam to build up to an explosion.

Then the person getting the red bean MUST follow the "thank you" with "what is this for?"; you must always respond to the award of a red bean with "thank you, what is this for."

Don't assume you know; you may be wrong.

The person who gave the red bean must tell why, courteously calmly and briefly. The receiver listens and acknowledges but does not debate the issue. That's all there is to it. Whether the receiver believes she or he deserved a red bean is irrelevent. The only significant thing is the information that she or he has done something which the other spouse interprets as negative. There are no further discussions. There is no arguing, no excuse-making.

The basic message is "I don't like it when you ....". There is nothing to argue about when one spouse says "I don't like it." There is no accounting for likes and dislikes. Don't try to account, just be grateful for the information.

Examples:

Mary hands John a red bean. He responds, "Thank you! Why the red bean?" Mary replies: "I said my father is a smart man. You pursed your lips and raised your eyebrows. When you do that I interpret it as meaning you think I'm full of hot air or lying." Mary continues, "I don't like it when you look at me in that manner."

"OK, Mary. Thank you for telling me."

John hands Mary a red bean. She says, "Thank you! What is this red bean for?" John replies: "The kids asked me to play ball with them. You said, 'Daddy's too busy now.' I appreciate your looking after my interests, but if a question is asked me, I prefer to answer it myself. I don't like it when you answer for me." "Thanks for telling me, John."

Whenever your spouse does something you don't like give your spouse a red bean. Wait.

If your spouse gives you a red bean say "thank you" and ask what the red bean signifies.

Remember, your spouse is making a good faith effort to communicate in a new and positive way, to break the communication impasse. Be grateful. Then ask for the message.

When you are giving the message stick to the point. Which is what you like and don't like. Do not lecture, do not turn the message into a name calling, do not make a moral point, do not teach. "I don't like it when you ...." is an adequate communication if you then describe an action.

TALKING WITH THE WHITE BEAN is different. In this case the giver is being grateful and immediately says while handing over the bean "I like it when you..... Thank you!"

Mary hands John a white bean. She says: "John, I loved the way you smiled at me. Thank you."

John hands Mary a white bean. He says: "Mary, I came home tired and dejected. You said, 'Let's sit down and talk about it.' I said I didn't have time, we had to rush off to the Smiths' party. You kissed me and said, 'You're more important than the Smiths.' Thank you, Mary, you really made me feel good. I like it when you show me you care about me."

Mary hands John a red bean. Upon being asked why, she explains: "You said: 'Why must you always smoke so much?' I appreciate your concern over my health; however, starting a personal question with why and saying always, puts me on the defensive. I don't like it when you ask 'why' questions and I don't like it when you say 'you always'."

After receiving either a red bean or a white bean from your spouse, put it in the appropriate jar. One jar is for the red and the other for the white. Do not keep separate jars for each member of the family. The problems are family problems and the assessment is for the couple or for the couple and all of the household members.

HAND OUT WHITE BEANS GENEROUSLY! It is an effective way of letting your spouse know that you are aware of and appreciate his or her positive and pleasing behaviors. Be spare in your explanations for giving red beans. The exercise is not intended to be an analysis of feelings. The beans is given to communicate feelings.

Scoring the Red and White Bean Exercise

At the end of the day total the number of white beans and red beans which have been given. DO NOT KEEP INDIVIDUAL SCORES. Your only interest is the total number of positive and negative communications which have been shared by both spouses that day.

Only the total number of each color is significant. The totals are put on a scoreboard daily. Tape the scoreboard to the front of the refrigerator or in any prominent place where everyone in the family can see it. From day to day connect the marks on the scoreboard, thus making two graphs, one for the read beans and one for the white.

Note: The average scores of twenty-one couples who took our course show that most couples start off with considerably more red beans than white. On the average, the turning point (when the white beans outnumbered the red) was the seventh day. Positive behaviors are usually more predominant from this point on.

When you go out together put some beans in your pocket or purse. If your spouse does something pleasing or annoying to you, quietly and privately deliver the appropriate bean. Do not delay the bean-giving until after you are home. Exchanging beans when the action is fresh in both your minds reinforces the communication. You do not have to talk about the reason for giving the bean right then.

The Children

From the first day the children will be curious about what is happening. Bring them into the exercise on the second day. Even very small children will benefit if you do the exercise properly. The beans should be exchanged among all members of the family--between parents, between children and between parents and children. We suggest that when the family's total number of white beans exceeds the total number of red a celebration be held. Decide democratically what to do--a movie, family skiing, a picnic, or whatever the majority decides. Note: Children, and many adults, will try to make the exercise into a punishment game.

You must work hard against the tendency to use the beans as reward or punishment. The beans are not tokens for rewards nor are they symbols for bad behavior. They are ways of emphasizing a communication, namely, "I like what you did." The exercise is a way of focusing on actions and preferences.

Do not apologize when you get a red bean. Simply acknowledge the communication. "Thank you for telling me."

Do not give long rationalizations about why you are giving the red bean. Just simply state the meaning of the action to you and state that you do not like it.

Avoid saying "you deserve a red bean for ......." The gift of the red bean is an action which underlines "I do not like ...." The red bean's message has nothing to do with the moral content of the action you are commenting upon. The red bean does not say "you are bad". Nor does it say "it is bad to ....." All the red bean says is "I do not like the action you just took".

It is perfectly reasonable to involve visitors to your home in the exercise, and to tell others what you are doing. Very few social situations are inappropriate places to mention the meaning of the exchange of beans. You will probably find that the exercise is sufficiently interesting and amusing as well as effective that it is an engaging subject for conversation.

George vonHilsheimer, 9 April 1986